You Lost Me
by DopeyPixie
Summary: - Soft is stronger than hard, water stronger than rock, love stronger than violence.- Herman Hesse Warning: contains physical abuse
1. My Baby Loves Me

This is a very AU story containing violence. All of the chapters will be uploaded on the same day, and when you're reading this it's already complete.

It's a story about Andy and aside from one of the chapters it will all be here POV. It's about her life with a few things changed.

Every chapter is named after a song, is (loosely) based on that song so if you don't know the songs I'd suggest you listen to them before reading the chapters (although the edited versions of the lyrics are also in the chapters). I edit the lyrics so the same lyrics won't be repeated three times like in the songs.

The name of the story came from Christina Aguilera's song You Lost Me.

* * *

The song for this chapter is: My Baby Loves Me by Martina McBride.

* * *

This is set on April 17th 1982, Andy's POV

* * *

''Everything is clearer when you're in love.'' John Lennon

* * *

Two hours. That's how long they'd been married.

This morning when I woke up I was so excited, barely believing I'd finally be Mrs. Campbell.

I dreamt about the first time we met last night and the feeling of that day, two years ago... I still felt the same way.

_''Okay Andy, there is this guy I want you to meet,'' I hear Sarah tell me when we walk throught he door, entering a party at Archie's house. I can't believe I'm going to a party at my ex-boyfriend's house but he invited me and I didn't have any other plans._

_I groan, ''Who?''_  
_''This really cute guy,'' Sarah tells me._  
_''If he's so cute then why don't you date him?'' I ask and she gives me a look._

_''He's not my type,'' she quickly says._  
_''What is your type?'' I ask her curiously. I have known her almost 5 years and she has dated any type of guy one could imagine. Thin, fat, well built, blue eyes, green eyes, brown eyes, black hair, sometimes a blonde. The only thing they all had in common was that they were all tall, really tall._

_''If this guy is half a centimeter taller than you you'd date him, if he's shorter than that than I don't want to date him,'' I say with a smile._  
_''And how much is half a centimeter again?'' She asks with a frown._

_I sigh, even though we moved back to the US like eight years ago I still think with centimeters instead of inches. I shake my head as if to say it doesn't matter._

_''Just meet him,'' she says._  
_''Sarah...'' I start._  
_''What do you have to loose?'' She asks me._

_I sigh again and she knows she's won me over._  
_''Les, I want you to meet my friend,'' she says as she pulles some guy over._

Love at first sight, that's the only way I can explain that moment, our relationship. I immediatly knew he wouldn't be like any of the other guys I've dated, they all wanted something from me, well, one thing.

_Don't need no copy of vogue magazine _  
_Don't need to dress like no _  
_Beauty Queen _  
_High heels or sneakers, he don't _  
_give a damn _  
_My baby loves me just the way that I am _  
_My baby loves me just the way that I am _  
_He never tells me I'm not good enough _  
_Just give me unconditional love _  
_He loves me tender and he loves me mad _  
_He loves me silly and he loves me sad _

He wasn't like that. He listened to me and I could actually feel that he cared about me. He was thinking about something more than sleeping with me, he was thinking about me and my feelings. My feelings towards him, towards my parents, my brothers... pretty much anybody. He wanted to know it all, and he respected them.

_And when there's dark clouds in my eyes _  
_He just sits back and lets 'em roll on by _  
_I come in like a lion go out like a lamb _  
_My baby loves me just the way I am _  
_My baby loves me just the way I am _

He made me feel that I could be me, that I can say what I want. He loves me for who I am, for who he thinks I am.  
And he had a lot of ideas about who I am; he thinks I'm pretty, he thinks I'm smart. He likes my nerve and he loves my heart.  
He doesn't care if I'm dressed up or if I'm in some old shirt with worn out jeans.

_He thinks I'm pretty, he thinks I'm smart _  
_He likes my nerve and he loves my heart _  
_He's always sayin' he's my biggest fan _  
_My baby loves me just the way that I am _

He loves me unconditionally.  
He cares about me, and that made me care about him.

And now we're married, when I finally heard ''I now pronounce you husband and wife,'' I was so happy.

I can't wait to start our live together. We have been looking at appartments for almost four months now and we finally found a place where we can live together.

Of couse it's just for a couple of years until we start a family, but I'm not ready for that right now. I'm only nineteen and I'm still in med school. Not that any of that matters, we're finally married now.

Life just can't get any better...


	2. Sad Song

The song for this chapter is Sad Song by Christina Perri. I only used part of the lyrics because in my opinion the rest of it just doesn't fit in with the story.

* * *

This is set on July 19th 1983, Andy's POV

* * *

''An angry man opens his mouth and shuts his eyes.'' Cato

* * *

Okay, so I was write: things couldn't get better. And even if the _could_, they sure didn't.

We've only been married for a little over 15 months but so far it has been hell. Sure, at first it was great.

In the beginning we had the honeymoon stage, everything was excactly like before we got married for the first few weeks. Then that started to fade away and where we used to be happy that now we could be together all the time we now wished we would have more time for ourselfs.

Since I'm still in school and he's working we don't see each other that much. In the beginning we hated that, now I wish I could have more time away from him.

Money was tight and I don't want to ask my parents, nor his parents for that matter, for more money.

We started to fight more and more, he was mad because he was working all day and made all the money, he is already finished with school and working, while I went to school all day which wasn't excactly cheap either.

Where he used to love me no matter what, now he demanded me to always look at my best. I am doing the best I can but it is never perfect to him. I do just as much as him, but since what he does makes money I have to do all of the choirs around the house.

I'm now twenty, most twenty year olds would say that they are pretty mature but marriage has made me realize that I'm not, not even a little bit.

The more I realized I wasn't mature enough for this the more I realized that Les wasn't mature enough for this either.

_Today, I'm gonna write a sad song_  
_Gonna make it really long_  
_So that everyone can see_  
_That I'm very unhappy_

It started with telling me that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't do things right; I am not smart enough, I don't look good enough, I don't love him enough. I didn't prepare his food the right way, the appartment wasn't clean enough...

The list went on and on, and it never stopped. He added new things everyday. Bossing me around, making me do things over and over.

_I wish I wasn't always wrong_  
_I wish it wasn't always my fault_  
_The finger that you're pointing _  
_Has knocked me on my knees_  
_And all you need to know is_

Than it had started with verbal abuse, I am not sure the other things fall in that category as well.

Now, instead of saying: you're not smart enough, he just said that I'm stupid. I don't look good enough has become that I'm ugly. He still says that I don't love him enough but he has added that I'm ungrateful for earning money so I can go to school.

_I'm so sorry, it's not like me_  
_It's maturity that I'm lacking_  
_So don't, don't let me go_  
_Just let me know that growing up goes slow_

It doesn't matter though, he is going to stop in a while. Once he realizes that does things aren't true he's going to stop. He's going to realize that he still loves me and he'll love me unconditionally again.

_I wonder what my mom and dad would say_  
_If I told them that I cry each day_  
_It's hard enough to live so far away..._

I'm thinking about this when suddenly the alarm clock goes of. It is 6:30 a.m. already. I have to get up and make his breakfast.

I'm glad to do it because it's going to help him realize that I'm a good wife and that he loves me.

Right?


	3. Only Women Bleed

The song for this chapter is Only Women Bleed by Alice Cooper.

* * *

This is set on September 17th 1987, Andy's POV.

* * *

''Men must be aware that violence is just a form of impotence.'' Walter Roland

* * *

Wrong. That's all I can say to who I was back then.

Things didn't get better, they only got worse. Back then it was only verbal abuse, now there was physical abuse as well.

It wasn't like it happened everyday but it was bad enough to make me cry myself to sleep. It was bad enough to make me want to get a divorce, and I would have done that if I hadn't found out I am pregnant right before I was about to get a lawyer.

_Man's got his woman to take his seed_  
_He's got the power_  
_She's got the need_  
_She spends her life through pleasing up her man_  
_She feeds him dinner or anything she can_

_She cries alone at night too often_  
_He smokes and drinks and don't come home at all_  
_Only women bleed_

There was no way I'm going to leave him while I'm pregnant. Being a single mom, I can't handle that. Les may have power over me but if we have a kid I'm going to need him to be there. Besides, every little kid deserves a father. And it isn't like he is going to hit the kid.

Even though he hits me, yells at me and degrates me. He might be the biggest mistake I've ever made but that doesn't me I don't love him. I mean, we are going to have a baby together.

_Man makes your hair gray_  
_He's your life's mistake_  
_All you're really lookin' for is an even break_

_He lies right at you_  
_You know you hate this game_  
_He slaps you once in a while and you live and love in pain_

_She cries alone at night too often_  
_He smokes and drinks and don't come home at all_  
_Only women bleed_

Wait, on second thought... maybe the physical abuse wasn't the worst thing. I think it's the lying, the accusing. He is accusing me of having an affair while I'm pretty sure he is the one who is sleeping around. As I catch a glimp of my swollen, bruised face in a small mirror I shake my head. No, the physical abuse is the worst part for sure.

_Black eyes all of the time_  
_Don't spend a dime_  
_Clean up this grime_  
_And you there down on your knees begging me please come_  
_Watch me bleed_

_Only women bleed_

And now I'm 7 months pregnant. I look down at my growing belly as I put down the patient chart.

I graduated med school and now I'm actually working as a doctor, that was at least one thing in my life that made me happy. Les doesn't allow me to see my friends and I barely see my family anymore but I have social interaction at work and I'm caring something inside me that Les can never take away from me.

I rub my stomach, trying to sooth the baby who is kicking constantly. I have a strong feeling it's going to be a little girl, which makes me even more excited.

Les is still hitting me even though I'm pregnant and people at work start to notice the bruises. Thankfully I always have an excuse ready, the key is to give everybody the same explanation for a bruise. If you have one bruise and you give everybody a different excuse they'll notice something is up.

I just have to hold on a little longer, a soon as we have this baby together he'll be so overwhelmed with love that all the abuse will stop.

Then we can be a happy family. We'll be okay.


	4. Take It Like A Woman

The song for this chapter is Take It Like A Woman also by Alice Cooper.

* * *

This is set March 16th 1995, Andy's POV.

* * *

''The truth is, I've been going pretty much nuts all year. I constantly have to fight being scattered. I feel like I'm on automatic pilot from fatigue. The hardest thing is trying to be present, living for the moment, for everybody in the family.'' Patricia Richardson

* * *

Being a happy family... I almost laugh at how ignorant I was back then.

If anything, things got worse after Jesse was born. They gradually became worse and worse, a little better while I was pregnant with Lizzy. But as soon as she was born things became an all time low.

Every week, every day. New bruises before the old ones had faded even a little bit. And the punching only hurted worse when my skin was already black and blue there.

I close Lizzy's bedroom door as quietly as I can. The two-year-old toddler is already sound asleep. Jesse is also asleep in her room.

I walk down the stairs, knowing it doesn't matter what I do. Les is going to beat me up no matter what. At least downstairs Jesse and Lizzy won't hear as much.

I walk into the kitchen. Les is sitting at the table with a bottle of wine. He doesn't even bother to pour it in a glass anymore, he just drinks straight out of the bottle.

''Hi,'' I say quietly.  
''What?'' He asks rudely.

''Nothing,'' I quickly say as I pour myself a glass a water.

He stands up and walks over to me, just three steps and he is standing next to me. I'm too afraid to even breath.  
He raises his eyebrows.

For a few seconds he just looks at me, ''suddenly you have nothing to say? That's a first,'' he says.

_I bet you never thought_  
_That it would never turn out like this_  
_Mama's little girl_  
_Daddy's little princess_

_But somewhere in your fairy tale_  
_Everything went wrong_  
_Now the sun don't shine_  
_The words don't ryhme_  
_You're out of time_

Normally I don't care he's going to beat the hell out of me, I still yell back at him anyway. But last night it hurted so bad that I could barely move for a few hours. I had just laid on the kitchen floor before I had finally found enough strength to move to the living room and lay down on the couch. And that was all because I had yelled back, I knew better than to do that now.

''You've got nothing to say,'' he continued with a smirk.  
''Does it matter?'' I ask anyway. I don't care anymore if this is going to go on for the rest of my life. He took away everything from me; friends, family, freedom, most of my dignity and trust in any other human being. The only thing he hadn't been able to take away were my children and my voice.

_You thought you had your Mr. Right_  
_But he was really Mr. Hyde_  
_You gave him your most precious gift_  
_You were his bleeding bride_  
_He tied you up pulled your hair_  
_He slapped your innocent face_  
_You were black and blue_  
_He laughed at you_  
_So what'd you do?_

''What are you going to do now, huh? You're going to beat me, because that'll be first,'' I want to continue and yell at him the way he has to me. He grabs the glass of water out of my hand and throws it against the wall.

''This is all just a game to you, isn't it?'' I ask, barely noticing what he just did.  
''It is, and you just joined me in the game,'' he says.

I frown at him, ''what does that even mean?'' I ask and I scoff at him.

''If you're going to come to the playground, be prepared to f*cking play,'' he says.

_You've been beaten down_  
_Kicked around on the ground_  
_But you took it like a woman_  
_Victimized, terrorized, paralyzed_  
_But you took it like a woman_  
_Pushed too far pulled too hard_  
_Deeply scared_  
_I know you must have felt the pain_  
_But you took it like a woman_

Before I can respond he grabs my hair and pulls my head back, ''are you prepared?'' He asks me with a smirk that I want to slap of his face, oh, so bad.

Once again he doesn't give me chance to talk back. In one swift motion he turns me around and smashes my face into the wall. I fall on the floor and before I even have time to recover he pulles me back on my feet by my hair.

_And so its over now_  
_Your fantasy life is finally at an end_  
_And the world above is still a brutal place_  
_And the story will start again_

I feel like crying but I don't show it.

He throws me into another wall. I fall on the floor again and he starts to kick me in the stomach.

When is this going to end?


	5. Family Portrait

The song for this chapter is Family Portrait by P!nk. I changed one of the words so the lyrics would make more sense.

* * *

This is set on May 20th 1999, Jesse's POV.

* * *

''The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.'' Theodore Hesburgh

* * *

I watch mommy push Lizzy on the swing. It's hot outside for it only being May so everybody's is wearing short sleeves. Everybody, except from mom.

I heard her fight with dad again last night.

She thinks that by fighting downstairs Lizzy and I won't hear it, but I hear every word, every scream of it every night. I was the only one in my class who knew what domestic violence was, is.

Mom doesn't know that I know daddy is hitting her. She thinks I can't hear her scream out in pain when he smashes her head into the wall or punches her in the face.

And when dad goes to his 'girlfriend', the woman he is having an affair with, then I can hear mommy cry herself to sleep.

_Momma please stop crying, I can't stand the sound _  
_Your pain is painful and its tearing me down _  
_I hear glasses breaking as I sit up in my bed _  
_I told dad you didn't mean those nasty things you said _

_You fight about money, about me and my sister_  
_And this I come home to, this is my shelter _  
_It ain't easy growing up in World War III _  
_Never knowing what love could be, you'll see _  
_I don't want love to destroy me like it has done my family _

Lizzy is only five years old so she doesn't understand what is going on. But I'm twelve and I know it, I wish I didn't.

I wish I didn't know what daddy did to her, that I didn't know in how much pain she was. I wish I didn't have to say goodbye to her every night because I knew that there was a chance she would be dead when I woke up.

_Can we work it out? Can we be a family? _  
_I promise I'll be better, Mommy I'll do anything _  
_Can we work it out? Can we be a family? _  
_I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don't leave _

I wish I didn't have to see her suffer, I wish Lizzy didn't ask me all the time why mommy is always crying.

I just want thing to be normal. I want to be like all the other girls in my class, the ones who wanted to marry their father when they were younger because he was such a great man, their hero.

The man who save their life, love them no matter what, who loved their mother.

Not like my dad. Daddy doesn't think I'm his because he thinks mommy is having an affair. And through his eyes he is a hero to Lizzy and me because he takes care of us even though we're not his.  
I know it isn't true, though. I know he is my father... even if he doesn't love me no matter what and instead of loving my mother he might be the man who murders her one day.

_Daddy please stop yelling, I can't stand the sound_  
_Make mama stop crying, 'cause I need you around _  
_My mama she loves you, no matter what she says, its true _  
_I know that she hurts you, but remember I love you, too _

_I ran away today, ran from the noise, ran away _  
_Don't wanna go back to that place, but don't have no choice, no way _  
_It ain't easy growin' up in World War III _  
_Never knowing what love could be, well I've seen _  
_I don't want love to destroy me like it did my family _

I hear all the girls in my class talking about boys, and that they want to get married to a man who loves them.

I don't want that, I might want to get married someday but I don't want love to destroy me the way it has destroyed my family. I don't want to be in a marriage like my parents, I don't want my children to have to come home to what I come home to everyday after school.

I don't want my kids to have to worry that their mother might die while they are a sleep, I don't want my children to have to lie to their friends about why they can't come over for a playdate.

I don't want my kids to have to explain to their friends why their mother is always covered in bruises, why their friends have never met their father. I don't want my kids to be ashamed of who their father is.

_In our family portrait, we look pretty happy _  
_Let's play pretend, let's act like it comes naturally _  
_I don't wanna have to split the holidays _  
_I don't want two addresses _  
_I don't want a step-brother anyways _  
_And I don't want my mom to have to change her last name _

But, as much as I hate my father, I also love him. I don't know why and most of the time I wish I could just hate him but I can't. I don't know what it is, I guess it's how kids naturally feel about their parents.

I don't hate mommy, I love her and I'm proud of her. She is strong and always has her head held high even though she's always in pain. She always has to hide what is happening to her, she doesn't see her family and she has lost all of her friends because of my dad. But she's tough.

Were other mothers would have given up long ago she still tries to make things as good for Lizzy and me as possible.

But I've already made a plan to stop all of what daddy is doing to her. I can hear them fighting about Lizzy and me and when I talk to mommy about that she denies that it's our fault. But I know better than that. I know that if I do better at school and clean my room when he asks me too at it'll stop.

If I'm better than he'll stop hurting mommy. I just have to be a better daughter to daddy...

_Mom will be nicer _  
_I'll be so much better, I'll tell my sister_  
_I won't spill the milk at dinner _  
_I'll be so much better, I'll do everything right _  
_I'll be your little girl forever _  
_I'll go to sleep at night_


	6. Independence Day

The song for this chapter is Independence Day by Martina McBride. I changed the lyrics a little bit because Andy isn't supposed to die in this story, which is also the reason why I cut some of the lyrics out.

* * *

This is set on July 4th 2001, Lizzy's POV.

* * *

''Girls are the future mothers of our society, and it is important that we focus on their well-being.'' Miriam Makeba

* * *

''Why can't you come with us mommy?'' I ask mom as I put on my shoes.

''Because... I have some things to take care of here, besides you two will have fun together,'' she answers.

I bite on my lower lip, ''will you be there for the fireworks?''  
''The firerworks won't start until hours from now. I'll just be there about half an hour after you,'' she says.  
''If it's only half an hour than why aren't you coming with us?'' I hear Jesse ask and I turn around a little bit so I can see her.

''Well, your father is still asleep and I... have to make him breakfast,'' she says and flashes us a smile.

She seemes nervous somehow.

''But...'' I start.  
''Let's just go,'' I hear Jesse say.

She grabs my hand and we walk out the door together, I turn around one last time and smile at mommy.

* * *

Mom was right. We've been at the fair for only half an hour and she's already here.

_Well she seemed all right by dawn's early light_  
_Though she looked a little worried and weak._  
_She tried to pretend he wasn't drinking again_  
_But daddy' left the proof on her cheek._  
_And I was only eight years old that summer_  
_And I always seemed to be in the way_  
_So I took myself down to the fair in town_  
_On Independence Day._

''What did you make daddy for breakfast?'' I ask her.  
''You know, you ask a lot of questions for such a little girl.

_Well,word gets around in a small,small town_  
_They said he was a dangerous man_  
_But mama was proud and she stood her ground_  
_But she knew she was on the losing end._  
_Some folks whispered and some folks talked_  
_But everybody looked the other way_  
_And when time ran out there was no one about _  
_On Independence Day._

''I'm already eight,'' I say.  
She just smiles at me, a nervous smile.

_Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing_  
_Let the whole world know that today _  
_Is a day of reckoning._  
_Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong_  
_Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay_  
_It's Independence Day._

''What are you nervous about?'' I ask her.  
She looks at me for a few seconds, obviously unsure about what to answer. ''I'm not nervous,'' she says.

I'm about to ask her something else when I suddenly hear a loud explosion. There is immediate panic, the only one who doesn't look freaked out about what just happened is mom.

_Well,she lit up the sky that fourth of July_  
_By the time that the firemen come_  
_They just put out the flames _  
_And took down some names_

_Now I ain't sayin' it's right or it's wrong_  
_But maybe it's the only way._  
_Talk about your revolution_  
_It's Independence Day._

There isn't panic on her face whatsoever, she almost looks... relieved.


	7. You Put Your Arms Around Me And I'm Home

The song for this chapter is Arms by Christina Perri.

* * *

This is set on August 121th 2007, Andy's POV.

* * *

''Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.'' Rita Rudner

* * *

Jesse was the only one who had been able to guess what happened before the explosion.

I'd had enough, there was now way I was going to allow Les to hurt me again. I just couldn't file for divorce. He told me he hated me, he didn't believe Jesse and Lizzy were his and he was having an affair but there was no way he was going to let me out of his life.

So I took care of it the only way I could be sure I'd be safe again. The only way our children would be safe.

After Jesse and Lizzy left to go to the fair I made a small gas leak. I can only guess what happened after that...

He probably went downstairs wanting me to make breakfast for him, couldn't find him so tried to make it himself. As soon as he tried to lit the stove the whole thing exploded.

And nobody had ever found out. I had been nervous that maybe he'd decide to eat breakfast instead and than when I went to make dinner I'd blow the whole house up. I'd been nervous that maybe he'd smell the gas and wouldn't light a fire.

I had been nervous that they would figure out I had made the leak, but they hadn't figured it out, thank God.

_I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart_  
_But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start_

_You put your arms around me_  
_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_  
_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

Just a few months later we moved to Philadelphia, I started working at the RWHC. I met Milo and now we just got married. We got married today.

It made me think back to when I married Les. But this time, at the first sign of domestic violence I'd be gone. I wouldn't let that happen again, I wouldn't put the girls through that again, they've been through enough. I've been through enough.

I have to admit; starting a new relationship was a little frightening since my relationship with Les had also been great when it had fist started.

_How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around_  
_I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown_

_I hope that you see right through my walls_  
_I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling_  
_I'll never let a love get so close_  
_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

That's why we've been together for three years but haven't gotten married until now. I was too afraid.

But I've got a good feeling about this...

_The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved_  
_I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone_

_You put your arms around me_  
_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_

I look over at Milo, he's talking to his mother. He's standing just a few feet away from me, refusing to leave my side.

It was one of the first things Jesse and Lizzy had told me when they first met Milo. That he would never leave my side.  
They trusted him and they wanted me to marry him.

He had first asked them for permission when he wanted to propose to me, that alone was a reason for me to say 'yes'.

_I hope that you see right through my walls_  
_I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling_  
_I'll never let a love get so close_  
_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth_  
_And I've never opened up_  
_I've never truly loved 'Till you put your arms around me_  
_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_

He walks over to me, wraps his arms around me and kissed my forehead.

_I hope that you see right through my walls_  
_I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling_  
_I'll never let a love get so close_  
_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_You put your arms around me and I'm home _


End file.
